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EXTRA! EXTRA! HEAVY NEWS HITS THE WORLD’S MEDIA CAPITAL
A Squadron of 500lb Sumos Will Shake the Foundations of Intelligent News-Gathering Organizations on “Heavy Tuesday”
What Bill O’Reilly Has Failed To Accomplish, Heavy Picks Up As Its Mission: “Retarding Citizens Daily”
Sumos To Perform Ancient Ritual Loofah Dance Outside Fox News, CNN and MSNBC to Commemorate Historic Day
New York, NY – July 25, 2006: Signs of intelligent life in the World Capital of Media will become even rarer, beginning today in Gotham. A squadron of 500lb diaper-clad Sumos will literally shake the foundations of New York’s most venerable news establishments to commemorate the launch of Heavy News, the “unpretentious, unfair-er and unbalanced” news arm of Heavy, the Number One digital entertainment brand.
While some members of the media (not to name names…but Bill O’Reilly, Dan Rather and Ann Coulter) have aspired to fulfill Heavy News’ mission—Retarding Citizens Daily—their efforts are purely bush league relative to the Heavy News juggernaut.
“This is more than a ‘boxers vs. briefs’ moment in U.S. broadcast journalism,” said David Carson, Chief Retardation Officer of Heavy News. “We’re mad as hell with newsgathering as we know it. We’re devoted to the mass of people who want their news without all those pesky ‘facts.’ We’re more akin to Bill O’Reilly in that regard.”
Already this morning, the Sumos and Heavy News both received a coveted ceremonial welcome to New York from NBC’s Al Roker on The Today Show. Bariatric surgery was the “elephant on the plaza.”
Heavy News debuts on http://news.heavy.com with:
*“Heavy News Kicked out of the United Nations” – Heavy News anchor gets kicked out of the United Nations.
*“The Howard Stern of Palestine!” – Palestinian shock-jocktress. Makes Howard Stern look like PBS.
*“OMFG, They Killed Kenny-Boy” – Dead Ken Lay calls the Heavy News bureau from a pay phone in Hell.
*“Tappin’ Some NSA Ass!” – I tap, you tap, we all tap for NSA phone taps!
In January, Nielsen//NetRatings named Heavy the 7th Fastest Growing Web Brand. Nielsen counts Heavy’s viewership at more than 12 million unique visitors per month, the majority of which are young males, a demographic highly coveted by advertisers.
About Heavy.com
Heavy is the Number One digital entertainment brand for 18 – 34 year old guys with more than 12 million unique viewers monthly (Nielsen) and a viral reach of 65 million taste-challenged pop culture junkies. Its programming staples include “Behind the Music that Sucks,” “America Suck Countdown,” “Pimp My Weapon,” “Contagious,” “Blisster” and “Tourettes Cowboy.” Portions of Heavy’s library of animation and live-action shorts are available for free download to the video iPod and the Sony PSP. Advertisers on the broadband network include Burger King, Diesel, Axe, Sony and Nike.
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